Are the questions “Where is this going?” and “What are we?” burning in your mind? Do you wish you could just fast-forward this entire conversation? Defining the relationship can feel intimidating. That’s why we’ve put together some tips to help you navigate this key moment.
There’s still a lot of fear surrounding the “defining the relationship” talk. You might worry that bringing it up will scare the other person away or make you seem clingy or too forward. This fear can be even more overwhelming if you’ve experienced past heartbreaks or insecurities, making it even harder to put yourself in a vulnerable position. So, you might end up postponing the conversation until the very last moment.
There’s a common misconception that if a relationship is “meant to be,” you’ll just feel it, without having to sit down and talk about it. But that’s not always the case.
Your safest bet is to lay it all on the table. No games. No poker face. And one thing is certain: if an honest conversation about where you stand is enough to push someone away, it’s better to find out sooner rather than later. While it can be painful, knowing you’re not on the same page can save you from even deeper heartache and allow you to move toward a relationship that truly fulfills you.
It’s perfectly natural to feel nervous about how to start and to worry about not liking the answer. But gaining clarity is essential for any relationship to move forward in a way that works for both people. So, let’s talk about what defining the relationship really means and how to go about it in a way that fosters open and honest communication.
What Does it Mean to Define the Relationship?
Defining a relationship is all about sharing your needs, desires, and boundaries. It’s a chance for both people to openly discuss their expectations around commitment, exclusivity, and emotional investment and figure out if they have common ground to build on.
While society often frames relationships in a traditional, long-term, and monogamous mold, that isn’t the right fit for everyone. More and more, people are exploring different relationship styles and creating agreements that align with their personal values and needs.
If you’re happy with where things are, that’s valid—don’t let outside opinions pressure you into defining your relationship in a way that doesn’t feel right.
Defining the relationship doesn’t mean pushing yourself into a pre-made mold; it means reaching a shared understanding. Whether you both decide to be exclusive, keep things casual, or continue as friends with benefits, what matters most is that you both feel comfortable, aligned, and respected.
How Long Should You Date Before Defining the Relationship?
There’s no universal timeline for having “the talk”. The right time is different for everyone, and it’s more about your feelings than a specific number of weeks or months. The conversation should happen when you feel ready—when you’re comfortable being vulnerable and discussing your hopes for the relationship.
That said, if you find yourself lying awake at night wondering, “What are we?” or what the other person wants, it might be a sign that it’s time. If you’re feeling that you need to have that conversation to feel secure and confident, trust your gut.
Before diving into it, take a moment to reflect on your own needs and whether or not they are being met—by the other person and yourself. As well as: What do you want moving forward? What kind of relationship are you hoping to build? Do you see a future together?
By staying true to yourself and honoring your needs, you set the foundation for open and honest communication—not just for this conversation but for the future of your relationship.
How to Approach the Defining the Relationship Talk: Do’s & Don’ts
Do’s:
- Keep it natural and light. Jumping in with, “We need to talk,” can feel intimidating. Instead, start with something positive—share what you enjoy about your connection and why you value spending time together.
- Use “I” statements. Make a conscious effort to speak from your point of view and clearly communicate your feelings and needs, without placing blame.
- Stay open and curious. Give the other person space to share and make sure they feel safe expressing their own thoughts and feelings. A real conversation goes both ways.
Dont’s:
- Dismiss their feelings. Even if their response isn’t what you expected, acknowledge and respect their perspective. It’s okay if you don’t immediately align—what matters is how you handle the discussion.
- Make assumptions. Don’t assume you already know what they’re going to say or cut them off while they’re talking. Truly listen to them and acknowledge what they’re sharing.
- Force the conversation to reach a result in one go. Give time and space for both of you to process what the other person has said and how you feel about it. You can even schedule a time to revisit the conversation—that way you ensure both are aligned and committed to talking more about it.
If you find common ground, that’s great—but it doesn’t end here. Now it’s time to work on those shared goals and keep communication open for any necessary adjustments and compromises. Relationships require ongoing communication, and it’s important to check in with each other as things evolve.
What If It Doesn’t Go Your Way?
First and foremost, give yourself credit for having the courage to open up and start this conversation. Even if the outcome isn’t what you hoped for, you faced it head-on and honored your own needs—that’s something to be proud of.
If the conversation reveals that there’s no future in sight, as painful as it may be, it’s better to know now than to let the situation drag on and end in more pain and resentment. Remind yourself of your non-negotiables — what you’re not willing to compromise on in a relationship—and don’t let vague responses or empty promises keep you in a situation that doesn’t meet your needs.
Walking away from something familiar is never easy, but the only way to build the relationship you truly want is by distancing yourself from what you don’t want.
Allow yourself to grieve what you’ve lost, knowing you had the courage to be vulnerable and put yourself out there, and didn’t settle for less than you deserve. It’s okay to feel disappointed, but also remember that prioritizing your emotional well-being is an act of self-love and self-respect.
Find Support for Relationship Issues in Baltimore, MD
Defining the relationship can bring up a lot of emotions, especially if past experiences have made these conversations difficult. If you’re struggling to express your needs, process your emotions, or cope with the outcome, therapy can be a safe space to work through these challenges.
Our Baltimore-based relationship therapists can help you clarify your most important boundaries and needs, enabling you to build meaningful connections and find greater relationship satisfaction. Reach out to know more, or schedule a free 15-minute consultation here.
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