In pop culture “coming out” is portrayed as one of the, if not the, quintessential experience of LGBTQ+ folks. However, what is frequently shown as a one-off, dramatic event is usually a lot more complex, and it can certainly give way to coming out anxiety.
Choosing to “come out” is frequently an anxiety-provoking and life-altering decision for LGBTQIA+ folks. During my years as a therapist, I’ve seen some of these cultural tropes become oddly prescriptive — to the point that many queer folks begin to believe that “coming out” has to follow a certain pattern. And I’ve seen many allies inadvertently create toxic forms of pressure on queer people, out of the belief that they are being supportive.
With that in mind, I wanted to share one therapist’s thoughts on things to consider around the coming out process.
Coming Out Is Not All or Nothing
Many queer people feel a lot of anxiety when considering whether or not to come out. There are frequently very real familial and systemic challenges that need to be considered.
Will coming out change or end my relationships with friends? My spiritual community? With family? Is my workplace or community safe to be out in? Can I support myself if my family or community rejects me?
Choosing how you want to come out
To that end, I want to dispel the notion that coming out has to mean coming out to everyone. I know. I know. That probably clashes with the heart-felt portrayals we see on television in which queer folks come out in one go and everything turns out okay. (Though I certainly wish that was how things worked.)
Plenty of queer people choose to come out to friends and not family, or not to certain family members. Or, perhaps, they choose not to be out at work. Coming out may also be a matter of timing. I’ve worked with plenty of college students who love their queer identity but chose not to be out to family until they were no longer financially dependent on them.
There’s a trope that fully accepting and embracing one’s queer identity can only happen if one is out to everyone. That anything less is a manifestation of internalized homophobia, transphobia, etc. Sometimes I’ve even witnessed queer people police each other in this way. I’ve also seen allies mistakenly believe they are only good allies if they help a queer person be out in all areas of their life.
But none of these are true.
Coming out as an ongoing process
It’s entirely possible to fully accept and have pride in one’s queer identity, and still make pragmatic choices around who is in the know.
Now, to be clear, I am not advising living a double life. In the spirit of authenticity and supporting good mental health, I would encourage folks to be as open as their circumstances allow.
However, if your circumstances don’t allow you to safely be out in all areas of your life, your “coming out” is no less valid or healthy if it is more targeted. You are not “closeted” simply because it may not be safe to be out to everyone.
While studies show that being open about sexual orientation can have positive effects on health and well-being, this benefit is only real when we have social policies that facilitate it.
Coming out can be an ongoing process and one can make choices on where, when, and who they come out to.
Making the decision to be out, who to be out to, and how to go about it can be difficult. While there’s no one strategy there are some general things I recommend to all clients: have an aftercare plan, support from other LGBTQ+ folks, and the support of a therapist as you navigate the process.
Do you want to read more about coming out anxiety? Check out our blog: 3 Most Common Reasons Why Coming Out Causes Anxiety in LGBTQ People.
Therapy for Coming Out Anxiety in Baltimore, MD
Have you been struggling with anxiety about coming out? Do you want to come out but are not sure about how to do it?
Coming out is a unique experience and there is not one right way to do it, just the way that works best for you! Our therapists at New Connections will work with you to explore the reasons why coming out is causing anxiety and make a plan for when you feel ready and safe to come out on your own terms.
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