For many, the holiday season is a time of joy, celebration, and togetherness. However, for those in the LGBTQ community, it can bring up a lot of stressors and difficult emotions. Learn how you can face the unique challenges of the holidays as an LGBTQ person and still protect your mental health.
With Thanksgiving just a few weeks away, many folks are wondering how they will spend their time. Holidays are expected to be joyous occasions, meant for celebrating and connecting with our loved ones. Yet, for some, holidays mark a time when we are challenged to reflect on who really are our loved ones.
For LGBTQ individuals, the holidays can be a time of heightened anxiety and discomfort, as they navigate potentially unwelcoming or exclusionary family dynamics.
Challenges Faced by LGBTQ People during the Holidays
Many LGBTQ people make a distinction between their Family of Origin (FOO), or biological family, and their Family of Choice (FOC). Often, our FOO is not the group where we experience our greatest love and, instead, we look to our FOC to provide that love.
A lack of acceptance of our LGBTQ identity can call into question the safety and joy of spending time with our FOO. Sitting around the dinner table as a lesbian, listening to relatives ask about your plans to find a boyfriend and get married, can be a painful experience.
Transgender individuals often sit and are forced to tolerate misgendering, the use of dead names, and incorrect pronouns. At the extreme, some LGBTQ people are no longer invited to sit at the holiday dinner table with their FOO.
For many LGBTQ folk, their FOC provides them with a new home, new hope, new love, and new joy.
Chosen families are often comprised of close friends, partners, and other supportive individuals who provide the love and acceptance that may be lacking in the FOO. FOC are our allies and other LGBTQ people. Rather than looking backward at what we have lost, we are urged to look forward and celebrate what we have discovered. To be embraced by people who love us, for exactly who we are, is magical.
With this as a backdrop, let’s discuss different approaches LGBTQ people might take in these two settings during a holiday meal. We will first discuss some ideas to help get through a difficult event with a FOO, who may not be entirely supportive of your identity.
How to Cope with Difficult FOO Holiday Events as an LGBTQ
1. Be you
Feel confident in representing you as you, not in conflict or confrontation, but in truth and reality. If someone makes an offensive statement, like “Do you have a boyfriend?”, a response might be: “No, I only date women but there is no one special in my life right now.” Period.
If you are misgendered or misnamed, a response might be, “I am a she” or “My name is Grace.” Period. Try to offer facts and clarifications in measured tones, without trying to instigate a fight. But stand up politely and confidently for who you are. And always remember to smile, no matter how painful the situation might be. Bullies or antagonists strive to see you suffer – don’t fall into their trap.
2. Evaluate the makeup of the group
Do you have one ally or more who can be your support when things might stray a bit? Or a lot, off course? Is there someone in the room you can share your frustration and hurt feelings with? Diffusing your hurt, anger or sadness can momentarily alleviate your pain so that you can return to the dinner table and continue to engage.
3. Don’t attend the whole or some of the event
If you can only imagine a negative outcome from sitting at the dinner table with your FOO, because of the group or even just one toxic family member, consider not attending altogether. Or perhaps engaging for just a short, more tolerable period (i.e., for appetizers or desserts).
Be honest to the host(s) about why you are not attending, i.e., “Uncle John doesn’t accept my sexuality and is openly hostile and attacking when I am with him.”
If you don’t attend, be kind to yourself and pre-plan something that will bring you pleasure so you aren’t wondering that day what to do with your time. Make plans for a pleasant alone or shared time before the holiday comes.
3 Tips to Maximize Your FOC Experience
1. Enjoy yourself
If you are one of the lucky many who have found an FOC, who welcomes you to their home and provides you love and joy, revel in your new family. Share your love with them as they share theirs with you.
2. Get involved in the preparations
Work with your FOC host(s) to help the event be sensitive to your needs and to ensure that all invitees appreciate and celebrate your authentic identity.
- Suggest including a “coming out” ritual where all individuals, not just those who are LGBTQ, share their personal journey and experiences. When it’s your turn, tell your beautiful, and maybe painful, coming out story. Be honest and vulnerable.
- Ask your host(s) whether they or you can display inclusive decorations in order to create a welcoming environment. Consider incorporating rainbow flags, LGBTQ symbols, and inclusive messages in the décor. Serve rainbow-colored cookies.
- Explain the importance of using proper pronouns and gender-inclusive language.
- If your host(s) is having a holiday event outside of their home, help them make sure that the setting is LGBTQ-friendly with gender-neutral bathrooms.
3. And again, be you.
Feel confident in representing you as you, not in conflict or confrontation, but in truth and reality. Even when in a group with staunch allies, mistakes with gender-inclusive language or a general lack of understanding can happen. Kindly and politely correct and move on. And remember to smile. These folks love you.
No matter what ultimately happens at a holiday event, either with your FOO or FOC, remember to be safe and take care of yourself. Whatever challenges might come up during the holidays for you as an LGBTQ person, embrace that these are the issues of those sitting around the table – they are not because or due to you. Be proud for who you are!
Find Support to Cope with the Challenges of the Holidays as an LGBTQ Person in Baltimore, MD
If you find yourself struggling to figure out how you are going to get through any holiday event or, in general, with your LGBTQ identity, seek professional help.
Our therapists in Baltimore will help you deal with any painful emotions and decisions and work with you to move forward in your journey toward living your fullest life. You don’t have to face it alone! Contact us to know more or schedule a free 15-minute consultation here.
About the Author:
