Are you and your partner thinking about opening your relationship? Check out the most common questions from LGBTQ+ folks and get valuable insights from our Baltimore therapist on navigating ethical non-monogamy.
Happy Pride Month, Y’all! With our communities in mind, there’s a topic I’ve wanted to cover for a long while. I get a lot of questions from LGBQ+ folks about open relationships. It comes in many versions: Will opening our relationship save it? Are open relationships healthy? Can open relationships stand the test of time? Conversely, can a relationship that doesn’t open eventually stand the test of time?
For some queer folks, ethical non-monogamy (ENM), open relationships in particular, are a normal part of the cultural fabric of what it means to be queer. It’s about freedom and choice for us and our partners. For others, particularly clients who wish to be more assimilated into straight cis spaces, this is a relatively new phenomenon and one that may feel less comfortable. Though, to be clear, studies show that approximately 4-5% of straight cis couples are also testing the waters with various forms of ethical non-monogamy.
While ENM comes in many forms, this post is primarily oriented toward open relationships.
Open relationships are relationships in which you are emotionally committed to one partner but each partner is free to have sexual relationships with other people.
There are many wonderful books about ethical non-monogamy, open relationships, swinging, or polyamory that I recommend folks read before diving in. My go-to is Polysecure by Jessica Fern. This book has the most practical and accessible primer on attachment theory I’ve ever read — and I’ve read a lot.
I also recommend folks engage in short-term couples counseling to set guidelines and identify potential pitfalls before opening. Before further ado, let me tackle some common questions I get asked. This list is not exhaustive, otherwise, I’d be writing a book instead of a blog.
Most Common Questions Around Opening Relationships
What’s the right reason to open?
This is a therapist’s dream question because there are so many right answers. As I’ve mentioned in past blog posts, the need for sexual novelty and experience is a valid human need, and it’s often one reason I see couples open. I’ve also seen plenty of queer couples in which they love one another, are deeply committed, but are perhaps mismatched in terms of being a “top”, “bottom” or “side”.
This can also be true when one or both partners have kink interests that may not align. Rather than dissolve their relationship, they give one another the freedom to fulfill sexual needs with other partners. For many couples, opening their relationship is about fun new experiences and exploration and has nothing to do with unmet needs.
Contrary to popular tropes, open relationships can be an expression of love and trust and not about any deficit in the relationship.
You and your partner(s) do not need to have the same reasons for opening, but I do think it can help for said reasons to be compatible with each other.
Will opening our relationship improve trust? Will it save the relationship?
This type of question is the most common and somewhat complicated to answer. My clinical view: ENM in any form can deepen and expand trust that already exists. However, without a serious conversation around transparency, guidelines, how to manage inevitable jealousy, etc, there are many potential pitfalls. ENM in any form is unlikely to create trust in a relationship that lacked trust beforehand.
I don’t have to worry about cheating now?
What? Who told you that? No. Just no.
In all seriousness, one of the biggest pitfalls I see in all couples is a failure to adequately define infidelity. (This includes monogamists too.) In most forms of ENM, infidelity is still possible. If “cheating” is violating the terms of your social contract with one or more partners, then increased freedom does not mean an absence of guidelines and boundaries.
Anecdotally, I’ve seen that open couples are frequently more focused on making sure that they honor the boundaries of their relationship. And part of that is making the social contract between partners explicit.
In fact, the misperception that cheating can’t happen in ENM may be one of the few “bad” reasons to open. If you think that opening means your partner will no longer cheat, I am sorry to say this is unlikely.
What are the first steps?
A wise question. Thank you for asking.
I’d recommend that you have a candid discussion about what positives an open relationship may bring to your lives. I’d also discuss areas where ENM in any form may stress your relationship. Before anyone jumps on Scruff, HER, Grindr, or other dating apps, I strongly recommend you all meet with a couple’s therapist who works in this area to talk through guidelines, what you each wish to gain from opening, and how you will repair it when you experience jealousy or conflict.
LGBTQIA+ Couples Therapy In Baltimore, MD
Have you been wondering if opening your relationship is right for you? Do you want to know how you can navigate ENM without hurting your relationship? Do you fear that it would be just an excuse to cheat?
Taking to a queer affirming couples therapy can help you and your partner explore how ENM can impact your relationship and figure out your next steps together. At New Connections, our therapists will help you understand what you really want and work with you to improve your relationship. Whether that involves moving forward with opening your relationship or not.
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