Do you find yourself constantly doubting your relationship? Is your happiness being crushed by thoughts of inadequacy or fear of abandonment? Discover 5 tips to overcome relationship insecurity and foster a stronger, trusting connection.
When you’re in love, some great feelings spark — the so-called “butterflies”. But, some other not-so-pleasant feelings can appear too, and one of the most challenging is feeling insecure.
Although it may feel impossible to break free from the cycle of insecurity right now, we want you to know that yes, you can do it! We’re here to help you build up your confidence and strive for a more meaningful and healthy relationship with your partner.
What is Relationship Insecurity?
Relationship insecurity is a deep-rooted feeling that you are not good enough or worthy of a loving relationship. Over time, it undermines the relationship with your partner.
Overall, feeling insecure isn’t unusual. That’s all it is, though: a feeling — not who you are. Making sure to understand insecurity as a feeling and not as a character trait is important.
Relationship expert and author, Avigail Lev, Psy.D., explains that seeing insecurity as a feeling will bring more kindness and compassion toward it. This can help you recognize that no, there is nothing “inherently wrong’” with you.
Although feelings of insecurity are normal, they can build up over time and become unhealthy. Imagine yourself in constant fear of rejection, and not trusting your partner’s actions. This doesn’t fade away with time. It digs deeper into a painful and emotional experience that will damage your relationship.
The best way to start overcoming relationship insecurity is by recognizing its signs. Self-awareness and being in touch with difficult emotions will help you take responsibility and improve your relationship.
Common Signs of Insecurity in a Relationship
1. Controlling behavior and trust issues
You’re constantly thinking about a million reasons why your partner doesn’t immediately reply to your messages. Or too worried about who they’re with or following on social media.
Trust issues can lead to imposing strict relationship rules in an attempt to feel more in control, but this may leave your partner feeling that their boundaries and privacy are not being respected.
2. Keeping your distance and fearing closeness
It might seem contradictory, but the fear of rejection can actually make you distance yourself from your partner. This is often tied to a dismissive-avoidant attachment style, which comes from your childhood experiences and impacts the quality of your relationships, making it hard to connect with someone on a deeper level.
3. Believing there has to be something wrong
Relationship insecurity can make you assume that all behavior means you’re being rejected. So, even unconsciously you find yourself thinking that every action, every silent moment, every expression on your partner’s face, must mean something is wrong with you or your relationship.
4. Losing individuality
Do you find yourself blindly accepting your partner’s choices? This can make you lose your individuality. If you feel like you’re living in your partner’s shadow, it can mean you don’t feel secure enough to express yourself.
5. Always seeking validation
Do you repeatedly ask your partner if they still love you, find you attractive, or if being with you makes them happy? These worries may stem from a fear of abandonment and a need for reassurance that their feelings haven’t faded.
Constantly seeking love declarations, compliments, and displays of affection can signal a deep need for validation.
Possible Causes for Relationship Insecurity
Some common causes linked to feelings of insecurity are:
- Hurtful past experiences: if you experienced rejection, betrayal, or heartbreak, you might be holding on to this emotional baggage and projecting it into your current relationship.
- Unresolved childhood issues: the way feelings of security are (or aren’t) nurtured during childhood can affect how you approach and behave in your relationship.
- Low self-confidence can be mirrored in your relationship. It can make you feel that you don’t deserve to be loved, making you assume your partner feels the same way about you.
- Partner’s behavior: insecurity can also be a legitimate response. If you feel your partner’s behavior lacks honesty or commitment to the relationship, that can be a warning sign or a red flag you shouldn’t ignore.
5 Tips to Help You Overcome Insecurity in Your Relationship
1. Identify what is triggering your insecurity
Relationship insecurity is a complex issue that comes from a variety of causes. Once you acknowledge the causes, you can start becoming aware of the patterns and take action.
But, when a million thoughts are running through your head, it can be difficult to recognize what’s triggering you. So, a good place to start is to write it down. Writing about your thoughts and feelings during moments of insecurity can provide clarity, and revisiting it when you’re feeling better can offer valuable insights.
This will not only help you connect with your feelings, but also make sense of what triggers you. Journaling is a very useful tool to track your responses to what you’re feeling and ultimately break the cycle.
2. Share your feelings with your partner
Sharing your feelings with your partner is key to battling insecurity. It unlocks a safe space for connection and allows you to work on your issues together.
It’s not about complaining, accusing them, or wanting them to “fix” it for you, but rather about sharing your true feelings and insecurities with the person who is in the relationship with you.
3. Focus on building your self-confidence
The art of loving yourself is not a straight path, but it will do wonders for you and your relationship insecurity. Building self-confidence takes practice. It might take a regular dose of self-acceptance, self-care, and self-compassion.
And speaking of self-compassion, we have a special recommendation for you: Kristin Neff’s TEDx Talk “The Space Between Self-Esteem and Self-Compassion”. This talk shows how treating yourself with kindness, care, and understanding can make a powerful difference in your life.
4. Challenge your negative thoughts
Your negative thoughts can easily distort reality and become your truth. Challenging them means asking yourself if there is any actual evidence to back them up.
Practicing mindfulness can help you stop overthinking and reduce the spiral of negative thoughts about your relationship and yourself.
5. Seek support from a therapist
A relationship or couples therapist can help you navigate the challenging steps of regaining confidence and overcoming insecurity in your relationship.
Through couples therapy, you can gain valuable support and guidance as you work towards a more confident and secure connection with your partner.
Find Support for Relationship Insecurity in Baltimore, MD
While some insecurity can be normal from time to time, when it becomes a persistent presence in your life, then it’s time to take action and prevent it from damaging your relationship and well-being.
So, let’s take this as an opportunity for you to better understand the roots of relationship insecurity and to open up a conversation with your partner. Our Baltimore therapists have experience working with couples and guiding them toward deeper connection and trust. Talk to us to know more, or schedule a free 15-minute consultation here.
And remember: even if it’s hard for you to believe right now, you deserve to feel secure and to experience a healthy, loving relationship.
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